This essay is written by Kerry Knight channeling the voice of a previous generation. This is not Kerry speaking, it is John Wayne and Joe DiMaggio and all your grandmothers and a few of your know it all great aunts. This, according to them, is what a man wants.
Dessert! A man likes his dessert. For a man, no dessert means no love. Apple pie, you can’t beat that, or chocolate cake, those are the best. Something sweet, really sweet. Raisin pie!! A man needs his sugar. For supper, meat. Meat & potatoes, they don’t call it meat and potatoes for nothing! Beef, men need beef! Ask a man what his favourite supper is and he will say stew. Roast Beef Dinner is a close second. This gives a man the chance to carve the roast! Carving is a man’s job. Women are ridiculously bad at carving, so don’t even try; it’s a man’s world when it comes to dividing the spoils of the hunt.
All men are terrible cooks. This does not mean the food they cook is terrible, it means they are terrible cooks. Deep down, they hate cooking and are aware that cooking is women’s work, but being a cook is a man’s job. As has been famously and expertly documented, the only cooking men like is barbecuing. Because a man likes meat and fire, and burning stuff is cool. Other than that, they are lousy cooks. As far as breakfast goes, a man likes his bacon and eggs, over easy, don’t even ask. Bacon & eggs. Don’t get all fancy, men like it simple. For lunch, tomato soup (make it with milk or else!) and grilled cheese, that is all. Or sardines, sardines on toast. Beer, a man likes his beer, especially after a hard day at the office. Or a nice stiff whisky, you can’t beat that. Ice-cold beer, it has to be ice cold, and good stiff belts of whisky will keep a man happy. With a beer in one hand and a whisky in the other, men like to have a little “down time,” hit the den and maybe do a little reading. Yes, on occasion, a man likes to settle down with a good book, or preferably a magazine. A man likes to read in private.
And don’t forget sports! Beer, whisky and sports, this is the life! Sports where men hit each other are the best. Sports where a man knocks another man about the head, or to the ice. Hockey! That’s a damn fine sport, everything else is for sissies.
A clean house will keep a man happy. Don’t let the house get dirty. Men can’t clean houses, the poor things, they are terrible at it. Have you ever seen a man try to wash dishes? Hilarious! They are all thumbs. They wash the glasses with the pots and pans. They break things and the dishes come out no cleaner than they went in. Also they are terrible at laundry, bless their hearts.
Men love to drive. And let’s face it, women are terrible at it. It’s Mario Andretti, not Mary. Men should never sit in the passenger seat of the car and let a woman drive. You might as well dress him in pink and put a bonnet on his head! The back seat of a car is for children and old people, unless you are on your way to a James Bond movie -oh how a man loves a Bond movie!- with the couple next door, in which case the ladies sit in the back and the men sit in the front. By the way, men do not like children. They will usually let you have a few, to keep you happy, busy, or “fulfilled,” but deep down, men dislike and resent children for ruining their lives.
But yes, a man likes his movies! War movies are good, always. Sometimes I think men love war movies as much as they love war, ha ha, or they go to war just so they can make a movie about it later. Sports movies are great too, they are like war movies only more important. A man likes a good sports movie. Again, it should involve contact sports, so football movies are good. Brian’s Song is also a great football movie. Men love Brian’s Song, but will only watch that in private. In both war movies and sports movies, either the hero or the hero’s best friend will die. This will always come as a shock. The hero of a war or sports movie must be handsome, after all, heroes by definition are not ugly.
A man wants a handsome man to admire. But not too handsome, or girly handsome; manly handsome. Gary Cooper for example. Manly handsome. Ryan Gosling? For god’s sakes, a gosling is a baby goose! Girly.
Going out for a night on the town? A man likes to keep it simple. Nothing that draws attention to himself. A man wants to look like a man, not like Liberace! A good, heavy watch is the best accessory a man can have, and it’s functional too! A man should always know the time of day, and the watch is the best way to determine this. A man will not use his iPhone or whatever to tell the time, and he will never be seen messing around with it in public. Men hate talking on the phone. And texting. They’re all thumbs, the big galoots! Ultimately it is up to his woman to add a splash of style. A good woman will add pizzazz and balance. Doll yourself up whenever you go out with a man, it is a sign of respect. No man wants his woman looking like a frump! This is why a man likes to give his woman a shiny object or a “sexy dress” every now and then. Wear it, no matter how hideous it is.
When it comes to S-E-X there are several things to keep in mind. Men love S-E-X when they are young, or if their lady is young. After that, not so much. Do not pressure a man to perform, especially if he has had a hard day or has been packin’ on the pounds. Never, ever comment on the appearance of another man, especially anyone who is younger or more handsome or more pleasingly formed. Similarly, unless your man is extremely well endowed, which statistically is unlikely, never ever comment on, speculate on, hint about or verify the size of another man’s penis. Of course, if your husband is one of the lucky ones, compliment him often, with lines like, “Sure he may be handsome and twenty-five, but does his Johnson drag on the floor like yours? I doubt it!” Men need their compliments. If your man is getting fat, tell him he looks ‘prosperous,’ not like that skinny loser next door. Balding? Everyone knows that bald is sexy, duh! Back hair? Love it. It’s adorable, just like a little teddy bear!
Never ask or expect a man to say, “I love you,” they hate that. If he cleans his plate, if he asks for seconds, if he fumbles through a sink full of slimy dishes or sulks through an episode of Scandal or The Good Wife he loves you. A man will never remember your wedding anniversary. This is not his job. If you want this Madison Avenue gimmick to be commemorated, remind him every day for weeks before. If you fail to do this, he will not remember and you will have no-one to blame but yourself. Finally, and most important, remember that no matter how crummy he is in the sack, a man likes to please his lady, thus ensuring that his ego gets a good night’s rest. Two words; fake it. You can always pleasure yourself with a vibrator and a mini-marathon of Californication when he is off at work, or “kept late at the office.” Speaking of that, if your man wants a little affair, let him go for it. It doesn’t mean he no longer likes you. He likes you fine. It will be worth it in the long run. Let him have a little fun. A man needs his fun!